I don't own a smartphone
When I first began college I was entirely unsure that I would be successful, at university or in any other arena in my life. I had never written a formal essay/paper before in my life, not even in high school. As it turns out, academic writing is something that I excel in. I had no idea. I remember turning in the first essay I wrote for a survey level history class. I was so worried that I had done poorly, but when my prof returned our papers I had a perfect score and she left a simple note saying "Thanks." I wasn't sure what that meant at the time. Dr. Crawford was well known for being a difficult professor with high standards. She later became my advisor, my mentor in the McNair Scholars program and my friend. She encouraged me in ways that no one else had. She believed in me and my academic abilities and encouraged me to pursue graduate school (which I am doing). She changed my life, helped my find my direction and most importantly, she helped me to believe in myself and my abilities. She probably has no idea the impact that she has had on me, but I would have taken an entirely different direction had it not been for her encouragement and guidance. She is a beautiful, incredibly intelligent, strong, independent woman and the impact she has had on my life is immeasurable.
Having said that, let me begin by saying that the last three months have been extraordinarily difficult as well as an incredible learning experience and opportunity for growth.
I've learned something that I hadn't expected regarding my abuse of methadone to numb my feelings of hurt, fear, guilt or any variety of emotion. Being off the methadone has forced me to confront emotions I had buried with the substance - as I said before, hurt, fear guilt and other feelings. Every morning I wake up having to confront the fact that my actions - And behaviors hurt the people I love most in the world and that REALLY hurts. I have to confront myself, face the things that I am afraid of - failure, the loss of everything that means something to me, etc., and no one else can do that for me. I have to face those emotions myself. That should not mean I have to face them alone - but I’ll get to that later. I had an incredible visit with my therapist yesterday. We talked, for instance about the difference between codependency vs. interdependency - and this can often be a tough call in a D/s relationship, yes? I have to be able to pursue my interest and passions outside of my partner and allow them the same freedom. That doesn’t mean loss of intimacy at all. It means two (or more) people, coming together, sharing love, the things they love and also giving them space to be themselves.
We also talked at length about anxiety and mental/behavioral issues as these seem to be my most serious issues. What we discovered is that I have all the resources that I need to manage my anxiety - all the coping skills I need. I either choose to use them or I don’t. My choice. I control it, or it controls me. This is big for me, see, because I have always let my anxiety rule my life. I lost job after job because of it. I just can not do that anymore. It is not worth the loss, the grief that I am feeling now. It isn’t worth hurting the people I love and putting them in financial distress. That’s not fair and its not right.
Another, very serious part of the process that I have been going through, is accepting responsibility for my actions and behaviors and their impact on myself and others. I seem to have done a fine job of accepting responsibility, but there is a difference between accepting responsibility for my faults, for my weaknesses and allowing myself to be human and to forgive myself. How do I do that? She asked me if I could forgive myself if the people I love and hurt could not. I didn’t have an answer. I don’t know. And this is really huge. I have to be able to forgive myself in order to move forward, to learn to love myself, recognize my own worth. I know, intellectually, that I am a good person, faults and all. But I can not for the life of me begin to consider how I could forgive myself for what I have done - even if I know it was not all me. I know what I did. I know what was my responsibility and I failed. EPIC FAIL. How do you forgive yourself for hurting the person you love most in the world? I don’t know how to do it. My therapist asked me to recall a time in my life where I forgave myself for something small so that I could begin there. And I’m damned if I can think of anything right now. I suspect its because my mind is so busy. Surely there is something I have forgiven myself for? In my entire life?? Surely there is… She was very pleased with my progress, my plans and my plan of action in order to make it happen. Now that is up to me.
Now, here is where I am going to express some emotion that might not be comfortable for others to read. This is not to get back at anyone, to get revenge, blah blah. This is a simple expression of frustration and emotion. A much needed release of energy.
I am ANGRY. I’m angry from hurt, from feeling abandoned when I felt I needed her help most of all --- all those promises --- “no matter what happens with this relationship I will always be there for you.” over and over. But? Where are you now? And I know that this is supposed to be for my heath and recovery, but I have to wonder sometimes who it really benefits because I am doing this on my own and she has NO idea - NONE - how difficult it is.
I spent three years focusing primarily on her. I failed in a lot of ways, we both did. We're human. Yet now, after three years of D/s style relationship, even considering my failures, I’m supposed to only consider myself now??? Well, its damned hard. And all those talks three years ago about how vulnerable this would make me? What of that?
NOW This anger is all secondary emotion. It comes from feelings of hurt and from my own feelings of failure, guilt and sorrow. It isn’t an attempt to focus my responsibilities and failures on anyone else. Its simple honesty. Mea Culpa.
If anyone who reads this has any doubt as to the strength of her character, her dignity or honor, I am here to tell you that you are sorely mistaken. She is the most incredible person I have ever met, bar none, and before anyone steps in to cast stones, they should be careful that they don’t live in glass houses. My feeling for her has not diminished - not even a little.
Heaven bent to take my hand And lead me through the fire Be the long awaited answer To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I've tried my best But somewhere along the way I got caught up in all there was to offer And the cost was so much more than I could bear
Though I've tried, I've fallen... I have sunk so low I have messed up Better I should know So don't come round here And tell me I told you so...
Fallen by Sarah McLachaln
Tomorrow I get a hair cut, apply for jobs - 2 are excellent prospects - go to see my counselor at F&CS and finish this project. My dad is a trooper. Despite being in end stage COPD and needing a transplant, he keeps moving on. Which, I suppose, is exactly what you need to do when you're facing something like that. Still, he's my dad and I worry about him. Its a hard thing to sit an watch. Its really hard. Especially since I've been through this twice before. All things considered, I'm proud of the progress I've made. I also recognize the work I have yet to do.
Today I feel strong and capable. I feel much stronger than the addiction and anxiety that was hurting me and hurting the people I love.
anyway.... I'll have a more complete update on Sunday. I expect that Sundays will be the days that I do most of my updating on. Anyway, until then...
I am real because unlike them
my gender is not based upon what other people think of me
and that may make me an object of ridicule
but I am not the butt of anyone's jokes
because I know that people make fun of "trannies"
because we are the one thing that they fear the most
I am more dangerous than an entire marine corps
my penis is more powerful
than the cocks of a million alpha males all put together
because when a man is defined as that which is not female
and a woman is defined as that which is not male
then I am the loose thread
that unravels the gender of everyone around me
They say its not the size of the boat
but the motion of the ocean
well my penis gives most people sea sickness
she makes them dizzy
because most people are not secure enough
with their own masculinity or femininity
to survive a night in the sack with me
my penis turns simple sexual pleasures into political acts
she turns biological impossibilities into cold hard facts
my penis is the curiosity
that you've been told will kill your cat
see my penis can be deadly
especially to me
and I've heard almost every true crime story
about what frightened macho boys do to "trannies"
every bludgeoning and mutilation
bodies beaten beyond recognition
and I've imagined it all happening to me in first person
and every time I get up in front of a crowd
to preform one of my out-spoken word pieces
I can feel myself morph into a slow moving target
and at the end of the night
when I walk back to my car
I'll be holding my breath
half expecting that inevitable blow to the back of the head
and sometimes I wonder why it hasn't happened yet
and sometimes I wonder why they don't just get it over with
and sometimes I just wish I was dead
see I never wanted to be dangerous
and I spent most of my life
wishing that I didn't have a penis
and I used to hate my body
for not making any sense to me
and these days I often hate it
for being so in between
and some mornings I can barely get up out of bed
because my body is so weighed down
with ugly meanings
that my culture has dumped all over me
see I've been made to feel shame and self-loathing
so that everyone else can take comfort
in what their bodies mean
and if I seem a bit cocky
well that's because I refuse
to make apologies for my body anymore
I am through being the human sacrifice
offered up to appease other people's gender issues
some women have a penis
some men don't
and the rest of the world
is just going to have to get the fuck over it
and if I am destined to be the loose thread
that unravels the gender of everyone around me
then I am going to pull
until everyone is exposed
until they finally see that all along
they were merely wearing the emperor's new clothes
and I know that people don't like it
when I turn the tables on them
but what the hell else am I supposed to do?
play a hand that was dealt
from a deck of cards
that's been stacked against me?
and If I seem a bit cocky
that's because I've spent my entire life
being backed into a corner
and like a frightened animal
pumped full of adrenaline
and sick of hunger and hiding
I am finally desperate enough
to come out fighting.
This piece in particular moved me...
I just wanted to say that she has not given up one me. When I work this out for myself and get myself right - for me - she loves me and values our relationship enough to try again
I am so sad and so regretful about what I have done. My heart is broken - for me and for her and for other people I have hurt. One thing is certain, though, I am stronger than this and I *WILL* overcome this - and be a better person for it. I'm feeling a lot of things right now, as I'm sure you can imagine. But I think the most important things I am feeling are empowered and determined. Despite this tremendous loss (and I do mean tremendous) I see opportunity to create the person I want to be. I don't need a lot of "I told you so's" or "shame on you's." I welcome your comments, even your critiques, but I really hope you will keep them respectful and hopefully attempt to understand.
My letter, courtesy of tonyinabag, is D:
1) Domination - of myself by my Ma'am, Domination of others by myself... you get the ides.
2) Discipline - once again, of myself by my Ma'am and, under the right circumstances, providing Discipline for others and... lets not forget, my academic Discipline, history.
3) Devotion - to my Ma'am, my values, my goals, my friends and my dog, of course
4) Doggies!!!!!! Like our pink bellied angel, Mr. Biggs!!!
5) D/s - Domination and submission, Mistress/Ma'am/slave in particular. Can be extraordinarily intense and intimate.
6) Dick - my little guy, others of all sizes and varieties.
7) Dairy products - this is the reason I have a weight control issue, folks. Milk, cheese, butter, sour cream, Ice cream. Did I mention Milk and cheese?
8) Daddy/girl and Daddy/boy - though I've never had the opportunity to even rp these roles, I certainly feel that I could be at least adequate in the Daddy department.
9) Doughnuts. Ok, I may be getting desperate for words here, but lets be serious. Doughnuts. Crispy Kreme...right?
10) Determination - to fulfill my role as my Ma'am's slave, Her partner and best friend, to do whatever it takes to aleviate our financial burdens and to get us in a position to pursue our academic and professional goals and dreams.